Grief Journey: Remembering you on Mother’s Day

I am ready to talk about my grief journey. If the weight of discussing grief feels heavy, I understand. This blog will be unfiltered, raw, and could potentially trigger those who share in the experience of loss. It’s time to delve into the depths of both the best and worst moments, shedding light on the raw reality of grief. With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, there couldn’t be a more fitting time to open up and share.

How I lost you, mama

It was December 4th in 2021 when my mother felt abdominal pains. I was just coming from a cousin’s wedding when my dad asked help for me to bring mama to the emergency room. I fetched mama and brought her to the hospital. It was already late at night like 1am. They ran a few tests for her and waited and waited until they diagnosed her for “INDIGESTION.”  If I am not mistaken, they only had her blood checked.  I told the nurses who’s her doctor but I am not quite sure if they told the doctor. Only the assigned doctor tended for mama that night. We were eventually sent home and were told if she can feel any pain, we just bring her back there.

For the next few days, all the while we thought she was just resting, sleeping, taking some time off after all the hard work for the past days. Then on December 10th early morning, I was woken up by dad, distressed, I saw mama vomited which appears to be a mix of chocolate drink and blood. I called the ambulance, they came fast then they were talking to mama, already unresponsive. I was beside the driver seat and I heard the EMS team call out to mama saying, “ma’am, ma’am! Wag kayo matutulog! Ma’am, gising po kayo!” I didn’t know what to feel back then. 

We arrived at the hospital. COVID was still rampant during that time so the Emergency Room of the hospital doesn’t allow any other companions inside. I was just outside seeing through the glass doors of the ER where I can see mama. One staff member came to me and asked to sign some papers that they need to attach tubes to her, etc. I just said okay and do whatever they can. It all happened so fast, I just prayed and prayed to God, “Lord please, kayo na bahala.” Dad and Joel were on the way to hospital when mama’s being revived already. She was in a coma, then stabilized then coma again, they revived over and over for about five times until they declared her—dead

We were only given about 10 seconds to talk to her while her body was being moved out from the emergency room. All that I had to say to her while sobbing was, “Mama sorry, thank you for everything, I love you , mama.” It was PAINFUL, even until now.

The final diagnosis given to me by the hospital where we brought her were: Multi organ dysfunction syndome as the immediate cause. Then, Antecedent cause were septic and hypovolemic shock. The underlying cause were small bowel obstruction, community acquired pneumonia and the other significant conditions contributing to her death were hypertension, upper gastrointestinal problem. To be honest though, because of the too sudden death caused from stomach pain, most people said it would’ve been Stomach Aneurism.

It was her time to go

A lot of people speculated about the incompetencies of her doctor but that doctor wasn’t even informed that we brought her to the ER that night when she felt the abdominal pain first. I’d rather not think also that it’s the staff’s fault that night that they only did a few tests on her and diagnosed her as only indigestion. I didn’t know or we didn’t know at home that she’s already dying. She was responsive the whole time even her last days. The last time she talked to me, by the way, was when she asked for me to put her socks on and she said, “thank you anak,” then I just answered, “welcome and goodnight!” 

After almost three years of her being gone, the pain won’t go away. I don’t think it will ever go away. All we had to do is work on our acceptance and have faith. I remember the saying, “Hindi namamatay ang masamang damo.” LOL. I’d like to think that there’s so much evil in this world and God just had to remove her from this place as she deserves something better. Sorry, please don’t get me wrong, the world is still a beautiful place to live in–for the most parts. 

So ya, again, it was no one’s fault. I also like to emphasize that my parents’ doctor should not be blamed as again, that doctor wasn’t aware that mama was brought to the hospital the first time she felt abdominal pains. Also, that same doctor have been keeping dad alive for the past 30 years now despite dad’s heart condition: congenital heart defect and pulmonary hypertension. They are regularly checked quarterly as well. Mama was taking her meds as well as my dad. Mama’s death was yes, too early, too sudden but, it was her time. Just earlier this year, my sister sent me a message about her dreaming about mama. It can be her subconscious mind working but anyways, a dream is still a dream, probably just sending an important message.

For some time, I needed help

After a few months of her leaving us, I knew I felt kind of unstable or more like I am just faking everything I express towards my family and friends. I am masking the pain too much that I do feel like it wasn’t normal anymore. I still do my regular routine, work, hygiene, etc. but I just don’t feel right. I needed to talk to someone on neutral ground. That is when I consulted a psychologist. Also, did you know, mama was a psychologist and psychometrician? Yes, that was her job until her last breath. It was relieving and very helpful to talk to someone. Someone not too close to you, your family, peers. We sometimes need help from professional people who are licensed to help you in the best possible way. 

Going through therapy, I learned how powerful your willingness to FIGHT is so helpful. Strong mind, soft heart, just something in between. I needed some sort of a balance on how to go through with this grief. It isn’t easy but I have to HELP MYSELF first to be able to help my family. My dad and sister have been so strong as well. We have quiet moments from time to time, but we know that life goes on. 

You know what, I resonate so much about the story of Ling in Can’t Buy Me Love. I literally cried when she said these lines;

This is a learning lesson for those who just want to brush away what grieving people feel. We, us, they don’t deserve to be treated in a way that what we feel is too much “kaartehan lang.” When I went to therapy, I know that you don’t always get the support from your family and friends, you have to have a strong WILL (yes, again) to support yourself, know that there are other people who can listen to you and of course, God will always be the number 1 person to talk to. That’s just for me. I am not forcing my beliefs on you, my reader. 🙂 

Fondest dreams about you

Oh,mama, I believe that you pass by our dreams instead of you literally passing by in front of our physical eyes. LOL. You know I am “takrot”! Even the first time I felt immense grief was when my Tita Jean died in 2018 (also too sudden). I prayed that I don’t want to feel any physical “paramdam” from her. Hihi, Anyways, in this part of my blog, I am sharing with you the lighter side. Here are some fondest dreams about you, mama, as told by my cousin and your former colleague.

Firstly, my cousin Ida dreamt of mama feeding her. Oh my, mama is such a foodie like all of us in the family and my cousin is not an excuse. She shared with me her dream:

Another dream was from her colleague, teacher Rom wherein they’re doing a foodtrip in Session Road in Bloom when all of a sudden, mama needs to leave them to meet her other friends. Side note, when my sister Charisse shared with me this dream of Teacher Rom, it was also the time that I found out bad news as well. A good friend of mama, tita Beth, passed away (again, all too sudden) just recently. She was very close to us, she even attended my wedding. I invited everyone who’s genuinely close to mama, by the way. 

Anyways, here’s a bit of teacher Roma’s dream story:

My grief journey

I still cry a lot when I feel that pang of pain, especially when I remember that day she left us. Also, my sister and I get so much support from mama’s friends, our family and relatives. There are some words of comfort that are just worth sharing. Sharing with you some heartfelt messages. You know who you are. 

One of the highlights last month was also something very random and heartfelt. I was with two of my friends, Carol and Ate Donna and we’re just hanging out at Common Ground Coffee Shop. We were just having the usual conversations about art and life. I mentioned that I feel pressure on what I need to paint for display at a coffee shop. It feels like I need to make something that is dedicated to mama. Then we had other conversations after that. Suddenly, Ate Donna said, “Wait lang, I feel like I need to say this lang.. Me and Carol were like, “what?” Then Ate Donna said, “Rae, your mom is so proud of you. I just feel like I needed to tell that.” She said she nonchalantly looked far and sighted the Baguio Cathedral, then as if she was nudged by mom to tell that sentence to me.  I was moved and cried a bit. Mama finds ways to send me a message indirectly and this is I believe one time she did that. 

Ate Donna asked if Baguio Cathedral means something for mama. I said, yes, because mama and I used to go to mass there at 12:15pm. If she’s not with me, she would go there especially every Wednesday or Friday or whenever she has free time. Also, it’s also in Baguio Cathedral where we can find a sculpture of St. Therese of the Child Jesus. Everytime we went to mass there, she would always say, “dun tayo upo sa side ni St. Therese!” She is a devotee of St. Therese and she loves roses. It means so much to her when someone gives her roses. That is why on special occasions, I give her a stem of rose. Even at the cemetery, her body is kept in a tomb with rose designs adorning its exterior.

Wrapping up

I guess it’s time to wrap up. If you read until here, thank you for taking time. I hope it will still spark some joy for you. Grief journey, by the word of it, it does not end. It’s a life journey. For those who experienced loss of a loved one, grief and pain will always be here but it doesn’t mean we stop being happy in our life. It doesn’t mean we stop from going on with life. This Mental Health Awareness month, I want to shed light on grief and that is why I wrote this. If you have any pent up emotions, release it. Journal about it, create art, express it in different creative outlets, talk to your loved ones, talk to a therapist, pray,  the list goes on. What is important is, we keep going. 

And, of course, Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven, Mama! I love you and I miss you so much!