I am ready to talk about my grief journey. If the weight of discussing grief feels heavy, I understand. This blog will be unfiltered, raw, and could potentially trigger those who share in the experience of loss. It’s time to delve into the depths of both the best and worst moments, shedding light on the raw reality of grief. With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, there couldn’t be a more fitting time to open up and share.
How I lost you, mama
It was December 4th in 2021 when my mother felt abdominal pains. I was just coming from a cousin’s wedding when my dad asked help for me to bring mama to the emergency room. I fetched mama and brought her to the hospital. It was already late at night like 1am. They ran a few tests for her and waited and waited until they diagnosed her for “INDIGESTION.” If I am not mistaken, they only had her blood checked. I told the nurses who’s her doctor but I am not quite sure if they told the doctor. Only the assigned doctor tended for mama that night. We were eventually sent home and were told if she can feel any pain, we just bring her back there.
For the next few days, all the while we thought she was just resting, sleeping, taking some time off after all the hard work for the past days. Then on December 10th early morning, I was woken up by dad, distressed, I saw mama vomited which appears to be a mix of chocolate drink and blood. I called the ambulance, they came fast then they were talking to mama, already unresponsive. I was beside the driver seat and I heard the EMS team call out to mama saying, “ma’am, ma’am! Wag kayo matutulog! Ma’am, gising po kayo!” I didn’t know what to feel back then.
We arrived at the hospital. COVID was still rampant during that time so the Emergency Room of the hospital doesn’t allow any other companions inside. I was just outside seeing through the glass doors of the ER where I can see mama. One staff member came to me and asked to sign some papers that they need to attach tubes to her, etc. I just said okay and do whatever they can. It all happened so fast, I just prayed and prayed to God, “Lord please, kayo na bahala.” Dad and Joel were on the way to hospital when mama’s being revived already. She was in a coma, then stabilized then coma again, they revived over and over for about five times until they declared her—dead
We were only given about 10 seconds to talk to her while her body was being moved out from the emergency room. All that I had to say to her while sobbing was, “Mama sorry, thank you for everything, I love you , mama.” It was PAINFUL, even until now.
The final diagnosis given to me by the hospital where we brought her were: Multi organ dysfunction syndome as the immediate cause. Then, Antecedent cause were septic and hypovolemic shock. The underlying cause were small bowel obstruction, community acquired pneumonia and the other significant conditions contributing to her death were hypertension, upper gastrointestinal problem. To be honest though, because of the too sudden death caused from stomach pain, most people said it would’ve been Stomach Aneurism.
It was her time to go
A lot of people speculated about the incompetencies of her doctor but that doctor wasn’t even informed that we brought her to the ER that night when she felt the abdominal pain first. I’d rather not think also that it’s the staff’s fault that night that they only did a few tests on her and diagnosed her as only indigestion. I didn’t know or we didn’t know at home that she’s already dying. She was responsive the whole time even her last days. The last time she talked to me, by the way, was when she asked for me to put her socks on and she said, “thank you anak,” then I just answered, “welcome and goodnight!”
After almost three years of her being gone, the pain won’t go away. I don’t think it will ever go away. All we had to do is work on our acceptance and have faith. I remember the saying, “Hindi namamatay ang masamang damo.” LOL. I’d like to think that there’s so much evil in this world and God just had to remove her from this place as she deserves something better. Sorry, please don’t get me wrong, the world is still a beautiful place to live in–for the most parts.
So ya, again, it was no one’s fault. I also like to emphasize that my parents’ doctor should not be blamed as again, that doctor wasn’t aware that mama was brought to the hospital the first time she felt abdominal pains. Also, that same doctor have been keeping dad alive for the past 30 years now despite dad’s heart condition: congenital heart defect and pulmonary hypertension. They are regularly checked quarterly as well. Mama was taking her meds as well as my dad. Mama’s death was yes, too early, too sudden but, it was her time. Just earlier this year, my sister sent me a message about her dreaming about mama. It can be her subconscious mind working but anyways, a dream is still a dream, probably just sending an important message.
For some time, I needed help
After a few months of her leaving us, I knew I felt kind of unstable or more like I am just faking everything I express towards my family and friends. I am masking the pain too much that I do feel like it wasn’t normal anymore. I still do my regular routine, work, hygiene, etc. but I just don’t feel right. I needed to talk to someone on neutral ground. That is when I consulted a psychologist. Also, did you know, mama was a psychologist and psychometrician? Yes, that was her job until her last breath. It was relieving and very helpful to talk to someone. Someone not too close to you, your family, peers. We sometimes need help from professional people who are licensed to help you in the best possible way.
Going through therapy, I learned how powerful your willingness to FIGHT is so helpful. Strong mind, soft heart, just something in between. I needed some sort of a balance on how to go through with this grief. It isn’t easy but I have to HELP MYSELF first to be able to help my family. My dad and sister have been so strong as well. We have quiet moments from time to time, but we know that life goes on.
You know what, I resonate so much about the story of Ling in Can’t Buy Me Love. I literally cried when she said these lines;
This is a learning lesson for those who just want to brush away what grieving people feel. We, us, they don’t deserve to be treated in a way that what we feel is too much “kaartehan lang.” When I went to therapy, I know that you don’t always get the support from your family and friends, you have to have a strong WILL (yes, again) to support yourself, know that there are other people who can listen to you and of course, God will always be the number 1 person to talk to. That’s just for me. I am not forcing my beliefs on you, my reader. 🙂
Fondest dreams about you
Oh,mama, I believe that you pass by our dreams instead of you literally passing by in front of our physical eyes. LOL. You know I am “takrot”! Even the first time I felt immense grief was when my Tita Jean died in 2018 (also too sudden). I prayed that I don’t want to feel any physical “paramdam” from her. Hihi, Anyways, in this part of my blog, I am sharing with you the lighter side. Here are some fondest dreams about you, mama, as told by my cousin and your former colleague.
Firstly, my cousin Ida dreamt of mama feeding her. Oh my, mama is such a foodie like all of us in the family and my cousin is not an excuse. She shared with me her dream:
Another dream was from her colleague, teacher Rom wherein they’re doing a foodtrip in Session Road in Bloom when all of a sudden, mama needs to leave them to meet her other friends. Side note, when my sister Charisse shared with me this dream of Teacher Rom, it was also the time that I found out bad news as well. A good friend of mama, tita Beth, passed away (again, all too sudden) just recently. She was very close to us, she even attended my wedding. I invited everyone who’s genuinely close to mama, by the way.
Anyways, here’s a bit of teacher Roma’s dream story:
My grief journey
I still cry a lot when I feel that pang of pain, especially when I remember that day she left us. Also, my sister and I get so much support from mama’s friends, our family and relatives. There are some words of comfort that are just worth sharing. Sharing with you some heartfelt messages. You know who you are.
One of the highlights last month was also something very random and heartfelt. I was with two of my friends, Carol and Ate Donna and we’re just hanging out at Common Ground Coffee Shop. We were just having the usual conversations about art and life. I mentioned that I feel pressure on what I need to paint for display at a coffee shop. It feels like I need to make something that is dedicated to mama. Then we had other conversations after that. Suddenly, Ate Donna said, “Wait lang, I feel like I need to say this lang.. Me and Carol were like, “what?” Then Ate Donna said, “Rae, your mom is so proud of you. I just feel like I needed to tell that.” She said she nonchalantly looked far and sighted the Baguio Cathedral, then as if she was nudged by mom to tell that sentence to me. I was moved and cried a bit. Mama finds ways to send me a message indirectly and this is I believe one time she did that.
Ate Donna asked if Baguio Cathedral means something for mama. I said, yes, because mama and I used to go to mass there at 12:15pm. If she’s not with me, she would go there especially every Wednesday or Friday or whenever she has free time. Also, it’s also in Baguio Cathedral where we can find a sculpture of St. Therese of the Child Jesus. Everytime we went to mass there, she would always say, “dun tayo upo sa side ni St. Therese!” She is a devotee of St. Therese and she loves roses. It means so much to her when someone gives her roses. That is why on special occasions, I give her a stem of rose. Even at the cemetery, her body is kept in a tomb with rose designs adorning its exterior.
Wrapping up
I guess it’s time to wrap up. If you read until here, thank you for taking time. I hope it will still spark some joy for you. Grief journey, by the word of it, it does not end. It’s a life journey. For those who experienced loss of a loved one, grief and pain will always be here but it doesn’t mean we stop being happy in our life. It doesn’t mean we stop from going on with life. This Mental Health Awareness month, I want to shed light on grief and that is why I wrote this. If you have any pent up emotions, release it. Journal about it, create art, express it in different creative outlets, talk to your loved ones, talk to a therapist, pray, the list goes on. What is important is, we keep going.
And, of course, Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven, Mama! I love you and I miss you so much!
OMG Rae, I regret reading because I cried and I’m not easily moved to tears, but just reading through the moment when you had to rush your Mama to the hospital, chills.😰 I can just feel the stress, the anxiety and the fear you must’ve felt watching through the window.
It’s funny to think that the “bad seeds” are often the ones that stay longer on earth and I believe that too because I think God is giving them a chance to change so that they too can go to heaven, kaya mas madaming masamang damo.😅 But I also believe that some people grow really old and stay on Earth because God knows people still need them, like my lola, who is turning 92 this year and I know she’s holding on just for me, because she knows I will go cray if she leaves me with my not so nice MIL.😅 My lola has stage 3B cancer, she was diagnosed 6 years ago, she should’ve died as per the doctors, but for some reason, she’s still here. She tells me that she often has dreams of my lolo picking her up and I always tell her not to go with him because I’m not ready.😅
I love that your mom was religious but was also a psychologist (I took psych in college too!), it gives me comfort that you can both be a believer of Christ and also recognize the science of mental distress.
I’m terrified of grief, Rae, truly, I don’t know if I can be “strong” in that sense.
Thank you for sharing your grief journey! I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, you can find a safe space to spill your feelings with me, I’m here for you.🤗
I believe that too, we are here because we are still given a chance to change or grow or fulfill a purpose. People keep comforting me and my sister that like we are already “accomplished” already in some way, we found our “soulmates” na,etc. and that is why mama is okay to go na. Yes, she really does have that balance of religiousness and belief in science , too 🙂 . Aaww hugs, this is actually my biggest fear. I know that waay before when I was younger pa, I know, grief is something that I can’t handle.
Thanks so much, Ms. Ane. <3 chat soon!
Maraaa :]<
Thank you for writing and sharing your grief, can't
help but shed tears while reading this. It takes immense strength and courage to be vulnerable and have the resolve to deal with the complexities and challenges that come with grief and mental health, let alone share it. It was all a shock for us specially Mama. She dreams of Tita Marite from time to time, until now, and cries the next morning when she remembers her vividly in her dreams but she always described tita Marite smiling. It goes to show that Tita Marite still visits, even in dreams, to tell everyone she loves that she's okay up there. And what everyone says is true, Tita Marite is proud of you. We all are. Keep on keeping on and when you need a break
our fam will always be here for you, Joel, and Tito Steve and Ate Charisse, with maja and coffee ready. 🙂 *Biiig hug*
Aww, Kareena, I appreciate you reading this. Your comment here warms my heart while I burst into tears because of mixed emotions. I am happy and sad, etc. but thank you so much for always being there for me and my family. <3 HUUUGGGS
Mara, you made me cry so hard again, two consecutive days. I miss her so much. I still feel a lot of sadness, pain, and immense grief. I still feel anger towards people who do not understand this intense loss and brush it off and do not give me comfort. I know this is not good, but I am still so much grieving. I know that I can always count on you because you know exactly how I feel, together with our family, relatives, and family friends who also lost Mama. I am so thankful for all of you. It hurts so much recounting the time she died and me calling her “Mama, mama, mama!” over and over again like calling her back to life through Facetime. To be honest, there are times that I feel so alone here in the USA and don’t have much support from friends and sometimes I am shy to ask for help because I do not know what others’ reaction will be and afraid of hearing hurtful words or be in debted to them if I ask for help and be called out for it. I have some negative thouhts that come but when I light a candle for Mama in the altar, I feel her presence and that she is now an angel and is just close to me, guiding me. She did say once that out loved ones who pass before us are now closer to God and they will pray for us. I guess sharing my thoughts and feelings and letting it all out again and having a good cry is very necessary. It is also a weird coincidence that I am in the Behavioral/ Mental Health field in my line of work as nurse, like Mama as a psychologist and psychometrician. To be honest, I still feel embarrassed with sharing my grief due to stigma about pysch especially by other people. I am just so proud of you for sharing your experience, our loss. I commend your spirit and strength. Love you and Daddy.
Now, you are making me cry! Same here, I am already advocating mental health through journaling and I shamelessly shared already how much helpful it is to ask for help whether professionally or just from family and friends. Whenever I pray, I always ask her to pray for me, too because yes she is now closer to God. Our loved ones are now closer to Him and with their help. I know our answers would be heard. You are also very strong. We’ve been trained or perhaps just been so blessed that we are able to manage our sufferings somehow. I guess our religiousness and relationship to each other are very strong. We can make it through, day by day. 🙂 Hang in there. labyu.
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